Hilary Keller

Website.

2009-10-14T15:31:51Z

Another improper update:

So. Hello there. I decided to try out a free website service. This is my first time attempting to make a website on my own. The site offered templates and ways of not having to start completely from scratch - real professional and nice looking too, but instead, I decided to start from a blank page and just do it myself. I really need the experience in design anyway, so I'll learn more doing it on my own - as opposed to paying someone to do it for me or picking out an impersonal template to customize. Right away - It's nothing fancy. I'm not "pro" - and I certainly don't profit. Just for fun. Just because: why not ? Eventually I'll improve on design and have full control over everything since it's just me working on the site. It actually inspires me to feel motivated in this direction again. So this might be pretty cool. I'll see, I guess. If all goes well, I would like to buy the account and have my own domain. No ads, and all those unlimited offers they tempt you with, of course. Okay! First things first - The "website" I've been working on lately:

http://www.wix.com/HilaryKeller/Hilary-Keller

(If you have any website-y suggestions - I'd love to know! Also, what do you think about adding a section for textures and brushes for download? I have many of them, but I'm not sure if they would actually be used or not - if I made a new page for all of them. That is if I ever get around to it...)

Lab | Video

2009-09-17T03:21:57Z

Wewt! My first time working in a real lab. It's gonna be a long commute. 8HR shifts, and 4HR travel time all together, there and back, about-ish. I'll have to be up at about 5AM and I'll probably carpool with Diana (Girl I work with at Kaiser, and now soon, Boyer's lab) after awhile. It's only a couple days a week though so it's not major. I never imagined I'd end up in this field. I'll get the experience and move on to my preferred field of study eventually. It's not infectious disease, but at least environmental study is interesting and well, I'm not complaining! My resume is starting to look acceptable now. It'll be hard work when I add classes into the equation. Kaiser, Lab, and school. I've made this field my main focus since before I even menstruated... basically, this has been a goal in my little life longer than I have been a 'woman'. Cute ^^

Also, this is some short clip that goes with something else I'm working on right now. Don't mind the eye boogie I have going in here, or morning face, unfortunately you can't photoshop video.

The Location:

http://rtc.sfsu.edu/gallery/web/index.html

September • 2009

2009-09-10T11:57:05Z

4:40AM - September 05 - 2009

Right. I totally reject Twilight and refuse to have anything to do with it, but here I am finishing the fifth Harry Potter. Bryan and I just started the first one about three weeks ago. We’ve made it just in time to be able to catch the sixth one in theaters. The fifth Harry Potter is my favorite, I can't imagine the next being an improvement visually. In each film I kept a look out for that owl - the clumsy one, who delivers all the mail and crashes into everything. Haha. I love how they did the fight sequence between Dumbledore and 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' It was breathtaking. The whole thing, fantastic visually. The way everything was spliced - the memory scenes, I mean. It’s close to how flashbacks really feel. Sure there are slight things to criticize, but I’m not going to. The movies are brilliant without having to count on overplayed scenes just to make up for a lack of substance. I’m hardly ever very impressed with wholesome movies. No, that’s not true. But my point stands out better now.
It is nice having a boyfriend who runs a video store. And video game stuff too but we do everything on computers these days, sadly. I completely miss playing sonic the hedgehog, echo the dolphin, crash bandicoot, Croc + other cheesy games. Since his store has the typical mix-up we're able to keep mostly any film. We have so many movies now, such a sick amount between the two of us. I'm already looking forward to seeing The Fourth Kind with Milla Jovovich. It looks pretty scary actually! I could never straight face an Alien type film. (well not true for all) But I'll admit, 'Signs' scared me hard. M. Night Shyamalan is so gifted in creating those creepy atmospheres. He takes the ordinary, the everyday commonality in which anyone can relate, - manipulates it, - for when we are to reexamine that ordinary thing, it has been so creep-revised, you no longer can refer to that thing as it once was - an ordinary taken for granted thing. - That, is undeniably beautiful. For months after I watched Signs I needed to have Bryan touch my back or put a pillow behind me so no "alien hand" could get there... >_< or I would ask him to let me fall asleep first while it's still "safe", Hah. My reaction to watching Fire in the Sky = far more pathetic than Signs though. Fuck that movie right here! The whole movie is sluggish and tolerable - even retarded, then suddenly out of nowhere... this memory scene that the main actor experiences, caused by some silly flapjack syrup that accidentally falls down his face... hits the screen for several terrifying minutes of complete fuck! Depending on how hormonal I am that day, it can be unbearable to watch. I love gore, medical related scenarios, even silly supernatural things. None of it repels me at all, - rather opposite, except the one subject ... Aliens, Oh & Volcanoes. Why! It's so dumb. So much intolerance, I must have been abducted before or something ... in a magma encrusted spaceship, probably. Those are my biggest visual fears. And I give that power to anyone who reads this if you feel like being evil ^^

Monday, September 07, 2009 12:55PM

I guess it's fucking labor day. Sure would have been excellent to know that BEFORE I decided to walk into work. Fucking fantastic. Here I am walking through Kaiser thinking to myself “Humm dee dumm dum, my, these halls look mighty empty, what’s going on here, this is a hospital, why so dark ? ” I see and stop a security guard for questioning who then tells me it’s Labor Day - duh & most of us aren't coming in - yeah, most of us. Well since I'm obviously not a surgeon, ER physician's assistant or anyone of dire need, I obviously left the hospital feeling like a jackass. Now I’m here, what do I fucking do ? I know, Write to LJ. Brilliant. I love having the IQ of marmalade. But you know what’s funny... this is the first “job” that has gotten me up and out on a day I didn’t even need to be prompt. At my other jobs I walked out during lunch - never to return, or I just blatantly quit - no two weeks - about 30 million times. Complete flake. Until now - but this doesn’t surprise me at all. I like my little place at Kaiser much more than serving coffee to stuck up fuckers. Now I’m the stuck up fucker - no, not really, but I’m working on it !

Well.

I think this entry has been enlightening enough. Good-Day.

My hair is going through the change, no not menopause, BUT since I'm covering so many important topics today. . .

First secret | these photos are all crap.

Second secret | I think this is the most colorful I have ever been.

Secret 2 1/2 | Frightening.

This really isn't necessary...

Third Secret | There are no secrets.

Fourth secret | Bryan needs new boots... all of the world's photoshop and botox combined couldn't even salvage these bad boys.

The little wing that could.

Blue Steel.
! + I had my second hair appointment today, my hair is now platinum-ish. - Far less reddish-blonde than shown above. I like it. It's been a few years since I've been platinum. I'm sick to death of my old photos so I don't feel like posting down memory lane in large format. Previous Blonde Experience vs. Present Blonde Experience? I think I prefer my hair now... as in, Today! I really don't miss the roots thing I always seemed to end up doing back then. I can't believe I got my hair platinum from layers and layers of red and black dye. WITHOUT it falling out or being fried. It's damaged of course but it's in pretty damn good shape considering I went from black and hard as fuck to get out red dye to ... white and still semi healthy. All in three weeks, and only cutting off a little bit.

June • July • August

2009-08-24T08:35:54Z

"To be acutely conscious is a disease, a real, honest-to-goodness disease."
— Dostoevsky

IS there any way I can use this quote next to this picture, without either meaning becoming incapable of keeping their individuality?

The idea of total apathy is defective to me. The idea of complete intolerance can also be defective. The idea of showing only your most cultivated intentions to a select person(s) - the one(s) you love, seems so achingly attractive to me. It's as if people want to look their best only in front of complete strangers. I can find something wrong with that picture. Every day IT grows. This inactive intolerance; my limping passivity. Why is it that I can be at all comfortable with the people I love - and mean it in the truest sense of the word “comfortable” - how it is usually anything but beautiful. Why is it that I feel more at ease opening up about the ugly, and the daily, to someone I have no real connection to, - just this sort of emotional toilet flush, while I cannot for the life of me feel totally unsullied being embraced by a family member. As If it were true to say that we are huggers. Validity aside - let the thought be.

You spend some, or all, of your life trying to feel - in most cases, attempts at being “loved” by the people who birthed, clothed and raised you . . . the same people who tell you just about everything they are supposed to tell you. And what good a use is that ? to me, or anyone. What you are supposed to hear, is like listening to some useless elevator music on your way down. Sometimes you meet a person you're not even looking for, and they become the very picture of family just by loving you without having to feel at all obligated.

THE YE OLDE

Jori's birthday in June. Trips to find ghosts that don't exist = always a good idea.

We had a garage sale over here a few weekends ago. Apparently, this belonged to my grandfather:

Jori + Me had a field day with it, we saved it's life from the evil neighbors!

I found some really cute slip-on shoes when Bryan took me shopping in China Town recently:

Random cheap stuffs from China Town:

I haven't named this guy yet. I usually pick all 'M' names for my little inanimate object-friends.

I got a new purse from china town as well, went to the craft store to replace the gold ribbons it came with. It's asian style and fuchsia with black ribbons hanging off each side. I love it! Only problem is every purse I end up getting from china town are cheap and so they end up looking cheap very quickly. This purse is not even 2 months old and it's already falling apart. So sucks because the purses I find there are fucking CUTE. Time to go purse shopping again, which I'm obsessed with. I got a few new fragrances recently. @ Victoria's Secret I got this for only $12.00:

It smells a lot like Can Can by Paris Hilton:

Which originally reminds me of Philosophy's, Falling in Love - fragrance; you can layer all three, since they are all super light scents:

I like going with the light and sweet scents sometimes. I swear by Philosophy's stuff.
Never let me down in all the time I've been buying:

Hope in a Jar

Jenn used to be able to hook me up with another favorite, she laughs at me because I use this not only on my face but when I'm shaving my underarms, ha:

Pure Melt: Clarins

I could really go on and on, with this subject. Fragrance makes me abnormally excited. Oh! While I was in Las Vegas with Bryan for our Anniversary, wait, I forgot about doing that post, whoops - BBL with that ... but anywho we walked into this mega Sephora store on the strip along with Agent Provocateur. Well. I died pretty much. Bryan was like "It's our anniversary, let's get you something reasonable from each place" Agent Provocateur is really expensive. But @ Sephora ... that's when I found my beloved Tarte:

Tarte Cosmetics

Tarte, I love you. You have lasted me exactly 8 1/2 months already. Bravo, for not making me break out. Wewt.

I took this pic in our room at the Luxor right after we went shopping. Our shopping spree lasted about oh... 20 minutes. Because we bought a nice ass dinner at this fucking amazing place called Fin @ the Mirage, and then got a new corset, and some stockings from here:

Make-up, and spent some more money at The Body exhibit on souvenirs for friends and stuff. Vegas, good fuck. You have to literally save up for months and months or just be rich to go there. Was so fun though! Where the hell am I taking this post? I always end up doing this. Seriously it started as a paragraph I was gonna post, to oh pictures are okay to include, oh yeah that garage sale, oh hey fragrance, oh that one time in Vegas! Yeah. I don't know. I should be asleep I have an early shift and as usual I'm not tired. Score one for team me =/

Functionalism and Qualia.

2009-07-13T11:59:46Z

Damn-it. I can't remember when but sometime earlier this year my dad, cousin + his date, and yours truly, went to the Oakland arena to catch our very first Monster Jam. Holy crap it kicked ass. My cousin, father & his date were not digging it as much as I was, probably - I think. They all walked away saying "once was enough." So maybe I enjoyed it a little bit more because It was so loud. Mind-Numbing. I'll admit, I wasn't prepared for that. So many kids there and I was thinking how the fuck are they handling that level of noise like that? Earplugs, I guess. Louder than any concert I've been to, louder than anything I've ever had the privilege of hearing. And by privilege I mean, wow, I'm surprised I'm not deaf now. So I get to thinking, about the people INSIDE the trucks and how are they feeling about the noise ... I don't know. Pretty neat aspect aside from that: I wasn't on anything, nothing at all, just sitting there watching with my fam and zooming in on the noise being so loud I started getting a little high from it, adrenaline high or something. It felt pretty nice. That gave me an idea I wasn't acquainted with before. How people distract from addiction; they do things very in-the-moment and replace an addiction for something very felt, that causes lots of little rushes like that. I'm sold on that more than some step program or hypnosis bologna. I loved Monster Jam and would definately catch another show. Next time with Bryan - because he loves it too and hasn't been since he was little. Bryan dug up his old Grave Digger shirt from way back when to let me wear, since the event. I love how it's too big on me, the shirt, and it's from when he was grade school little. Bryan used to be chubby, can you imagine? Even his weight was something like 9-12 pounds when he was born. All that cute baby weight really distributed nicely, being so tall, I'm assuming that or just from not drinking anymore? Anywho couple of pictures from that awesomely white trash night:

I took a lot of pictures that night, but none of them transferred over from reality to film very well.

The shirt:

...and a hot reference photo of Bryan's physique from when we were in Vegas last January:

... hip bones *nibbles*

Bryan's hand has healed remarkably well. Without infection or really any major discomfort. He allowed me the other week to remove his stitches for him, instead of going back to his Doctor. I really enjoyed that experience. A couple of them were embedded under the skin, from latent swelling which called for a bit of a improvisation. He was comfortable enough to let me remove the dry skin that had started to crust over the stitches. It was even more fun than peeling off sun burnt skin. I sterilized my tweezers and the sharpest knife we could find in my house at the time, and I just worked with what we had there. Bandaged him up again, cleaned the area, and he's been able to feel his fingers and use his hand almost to full capacity once again. we were worried there for a minute about that finger numbness. Stitches:

One of the stitches that got embedded under his skin. It will leave a scar of about two inches length:

And of course still on WoW... because as he wants me to believe, "you know, it helps me recover and exercise my hand." yeah, I bet Bryan. So what's wrong with your hand the other days then -.-

It'll be nice if Photobucket doesn't delete these pics or call them "offensive" or whatever the fuck they like to do with perfectly harmless images.

I found some funny old pics.
I've STILL procrastinated hooking up my scanner. Surprise, surprise.
Only a few of them anyhow - so I just took pictures of the pictures and sharpened them as much as I could.
Old Pictures:

This was when I just started to dye my hair dark. I went a dark red // brown // cut off all my hair in 9th grade a year later // started bleaching it slowly again - then went black fully right back to blonde all over again. HORRIBLE IDEA. My hair was fucked. Eventually I learned my lesson. I was so pissed about having to cut off all my hairs.

These are less old from 2004 - 2005 when my friend Danny from Texas first visited. Nevermind my being crass.

. . . If we had no faults of our own, we would not take so much pleasure in noticing those of others. . .

Those who can handle a higher dose than 15mg oxy, I salute you - you insane buggers. I’ve been biting little pieces of Bryan’s fifteen mgs - because I can’t handle a whole. How that boy consumes more than one of those in a short period of time. I’ll never know. I had a half last night, I was floating. I think we were watching some Keira Knightly movie … I don’t remember much of it - except that cute Cillian Murphy person and Keira’s attractive mouth. We didn’t finish the film, Bryan had to work soon and floating around our bed was feeling more interesting than sleep. It is the best; getting warm and fuzzyfied with the person you love. A feeling of being very drifty, fragmented and in your head yet the physically-consuming entanglement of each other. I always crave those fleeting moments, you find yourself offering up the most of what you nearly always try to control. An in-the-now episode, just ‘being’ without the use of analysis. boy and pill. And feeling only the two of them inside.

It’s slightly funny how I even managed to stop dosing to pass my urine/blood tests for Kaiser. I stopped taking them the same night I got my hair cut. Interesting week followed. I had my last immunization on the eighth of June. Also the day of Jori’s Birthday, who accompanied me to occupational medicine before we went out to celebrate her birthday. I felt pretty good that day, and of course, dosed again. Apparently I’m “allowed” to have the pills in my system if I have a legitimate script for them. I do for the vicodin - just not the oxy, so that’ll have to be an irregular ‘for fun’ type of thing. I don’t mind now though. I did it once before and I’m pretty certain I can again. How does it differ, than someone who likes to have drinks? Same concept, different substance. Bryan and I just don’t drink so it’s sort of become our thing. I heard some third-party poo-poo-ing about whether or not I’d be able to piss clean for my tests - sorry to disappoint - but the only alternative would have been, to literally piss my career choices away. That reality was just not strong enough to detour me. While I have been on the pills for the last 5 and a half years of my life; it was either suffer short term or suffer long term. Needless to say? I now work for Kaiser! Let’s see how this whole living as a responsible-or-something-like-it mess, works out. I’ve got an interesting blend of things going on and it seems to be a pretty maneuverable system for me, for us.

I don’t know what to write about really. Some pretty basic things here. Just going about my days, you know how things are ... transitioning. & at the same time a routine that has it’s typical ups & downs. I just agree to sign a contract that states it’s never going to be perfect. And when it is perfect you are probably too busy anticipating something else ... or you to detach to live in those in-the-moment episodes every now and then with the person you love - doing - Ridiculous. Pointless. Things. like floating on your bed and making out before you go to work, before you go to sleep.

so sue me. I've been drinking my weight gain drinks obsessively WITH normal meals, instead of using the drinks as a meal replacement. The boobs wanted to grow - what's a girl to do :P I really resent how Bryan's body gets super hot on pills, but for me I have to consume a million calories a fucking minute to not look like a dying llama. What a dick.

Sooner murder an infant in it’s cradle than nurse unacted desires.

2009-06-27T14:50:47Z

P R E F A C E — CLICK LINK to view entry.

Some time ago Bryan and I were up all night on his day off from work - not unusual. We were doing some things and some other things, and somewhere between all those things his left hand was sliced right open. The web area too, right between his index finger and his thumb. The cut is deep - that was quickly understood. He and I did a little song and dance for about twenty minutes before we ended up taking him to the ER. I think the version we gave the ER went something like this; “He sliced open his hand cutting potatoes for lunch, because we’re vegetarians, so you know, we eat potatoes.” So let’s stick with that. Well, we’d been up all night and we’re running low on energy and feeling a bit distracted - obviously. Bryan had never been truly injured in his life, so it was a bit of a role change for us. We’re both happy that it isn’t exactly a pivotal - life-changing event, but it does require obvious attention. He then claims his fingers are going numb. That’s fantastic. We eventually decide as we’re waiting in the ER to be seen that it’s because he’s holding his hand above his heart to control the blood flow, while he holds an item of his clothing tightly around his hand - making it feel numb and tingly. Well, Duh. So the finger numbness pretty much just continues. But we don’t really pay attention for the time being. Now we’re being seen finally, sweet. So we walk on in to his room. He finds the hospital bed, and I stand above him, checking down the hallway while he has a sit down and we sideways laugh about the whole incident. Wondering where the fuck the doctors are. We wait, and wait, and wait. God this is fucking lame. So finally a nurse comes in to prepare everything for the doctor who will stitch Bryan’s hand. I turn around to check back down the hallway again, and Bryan randomly asks “So, you’re pretty comfortable in this environment, huh?” - and I reply, “Of course” - and keep checking down the hallway. As I turn back around to look at Bryan, and offer a comforting glance, he looks at me and says “Hil, will you marry me?” . . . I sit on this rolly chair beside him and though my mouth is open, I’m not able to really speak, so I just stare at him like a fucking retard for several minutes or more. Now what goes through my head instinctually is, ‘this is a joke, where the hell is his, ha-ha-ha?’ Hmm he’s looking at me super intensely, maybe he’s serious, oh fuck he is, fuck, okay what’s my answer, think you fucking retard’ And I still say nothing. The doctor walks in finally, and we are preoccupied with that situation for a moment. So we’re there in that room, both pretty silent and the doctor is now asking Bryan questions about if he plays in a band and so they talk it up about drumming and band shit for a minute; and it’s a complete loss of patient-doctor reality to a suddenly testosterone driven male on male mental masturbation landscape. And meanwhile I’m staring off into the bloody mess called Bryan’s hand, trying to record the doctors moves, and imagining myself, being in the doctors position one day, which presses on my brain to think of the word “future” and back round again to the question Bryan just asked me moments before this moment. I decide my answer a few stitches in. I realize the time isn’t very appropriate to speak, so I get my phone out and pretend I’m texting someone, when really I’m just typing out my answer to his question to show him while he’s being worked on. I poke his shoulder and show him my phone saying something like ‘Look what my mom text messaged me with” I just wasn’t in the mood to broadcast this topic, and I’m sure Bryan wasn’t either. He reads my answer and he just smiles at me, and I smile at him, and it’s a nice moment. The doctor continues to stitch, a nurse walks in to prepare a tetanus shot for Bryan. Bryans hand is beginning to stop bleeding into a bowl below his bed and he says he still has finger numbness - but overall, is feeling Alright. I look around the room, at the situation, at Bryan, at the doctor, and I feel something I really enjoy feeling, in a long time. The room didn’t appear disordered. Even though the situation at first thought didn’t seem historic, or even remarkable, it was now. Unusual and fitting for us, and completely surprising.

My answer to him is obvious. He claims he had been thinking this over for a long time now, and that this incident though unplanned, was the perfect moment to ask. And it really was. What shocks me the most is that he’d been thinking this over for a long time now - when, we both always agreed on this subject. And I thought, that we both didn’t need to do the marriage thing to prove our love. We’ve been together for over 8 years 9 years almost or just about. We always had plans to just do our own thing and live together and continue on, so this is completely the last thing I had ever imagined Bryan doing/saying/asking/ and even thinking. But when he asked, all those talks about it, went out the window, and everything just felt right. I suddenly felt more . . . More, something I can’t quite articulate.

I told my mother and sisters first. Then we told Bryans parents who are very supportive of us and have let me live over there for the greater half of our 8-9 years together. It’s my Dad who isn’t accepting this at all yet. He has some time to hopefully accept because I need him there to walk me down the aisle. Which we’ve both agreed we’re having the ceremony outdoors and not in a church type of deal. I think Jenn was the first to say “Well, it’s about time, I mean you guys are pretty much stuck to each other, every time you’ve even tried to leave you always come right back to one another” and that’s just it, every time we *try* to leave, we just come right back, because I don’t think we really ever leave each other in the first place. Let me just say - I can’t fucking wait to marry Bryan! We have already made a few plans, it’s going to be very official and soft, and pretty and lovely. The ring, the theme, the location spots (Half Moon Bay is our first choice but we’re keeping our options open) We plan to move out first. After I’ve been with Kaiser for a few months, and we’ve saved enough money from his job we’ve decided we’ll have the ceremony. After we pick a place to live, move all our stuff to the place, take our honeymoon so when we come back from the honeymoon, we’ll open the door to our very first place together, spending our first night as a married couple. As Bryan said “That way we’ll come home and it’ll be like a new chapter of us” Which I couldn’t agree to liking more.
We have the rest of the year to plan the wedding, we want it to be perfectly beautiful and completely lavish for a much as we can afford. My mom wants to waste money we don’t have getting a wedding planner -.- but I think that idea is bunk. I can save a lot of money making the invitations on photoshop myself, and save the money for the classic things. The food, bar, dress, etc. etc.
I am truly happy. I don’t exactly like to broadcast that fact but it is apparent regardless of the undertow - I don’t need to knock on wood. The Kaiser thing was first, and then a few bumpy spots, and now the engagement comes to sweep up all the trivial messes. How does one hold onto the grudges of the old and ugly when the beauty of what is to become, actually legitimizes how slight everything has been before now. I think I would have to really devalue my time and worth, and my futures worth to go back there now or again. What an interesting time and I want to be fully aware of myself in it, and actually mentally there for it, for Him.

* I have plenty of time for a real entry. Today is just a little different.

* I've/we've decided not to take his last name. But to legalize Keller, my mothers maiden name instead.

Ebola Kiss

2009-05-27T10:13:59Z

4. EBOLA KISS | PAGES 81 — 84

While Ebola was breaking out in Kikwit, I spoke with a doctor named William T. Close, who had lived in Congo (Then Zaire) for sixteen years. When he was in Zaire, Bill Close rebuilt and ran the mama yemo general hospital, a two thousand-bed facility in the capital. When Ebola broke out for the first time, in 1976, Close went to Zaire and helped coordinate the medical effort to deal with the virus, and advised the Zairian Government. Years later, during the Ebola Kikwit outbreak, he acted as a liaison between Congolese government officials and doctors from the CDC in Atlanta.
“In 1976, when Ebola broke out in Yambuku that first time, there was a nun, Sister Beata, who died of Ebola,” Close recalled. “There was a priest, father Germain Lootens, who gave her the last rites as she died. She had a terrible fever, sweat was pouring down her face, and bloodstained tears were running down her face. Father Lootens took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from her forehead and the blood tears from her face. Then, unthinkingly, he took the bloodstained handkerchief and wiped the tears from his own face with it - he had been crying too. A week later he came down with Ebola, and a week after that he was dead.”

Now, Close had been hearing reports that some members of the medical staff of Kikwit General Hospital - Dr. Bwaka and his nurses - had continued to care for Ebola patients despite the grave risks to themselves. “Those hospital staff people have gone into that hospital to work knowing they may die,” Close said. And the doctors and nurses in Kikwit were working without basic medical supplies. “The greatest need in Kikwit right now is for rubber aprons to protect the doctors and nurses, because the blood and vomit is soaking through their operating gowns,” He said. “This is huge, lethal African hemorrhagic virus. We all sort of feel that Ebola comes out of its hiding place when something occasionally alters the very delicate balance of the ecosystems, in a tropical region where things grow as they would in a petri dish. But if there are lessons to be learned here, they are human lessons. This is about people doing their duty. It’s about doctors doing what has to be done, right now, without a whole lot of heroics. Have you ever been petrified with fear? Real fear? Possessed by naked fear, where you have no hope of control over your fate? If you’re a medical worker, when the die is cast, the fear goes away, and you do what you have to do - you get to work. That’s what’s happening with the medical people in that hospital right now. There are things happening in Kikwit. . .” He paused. “Magnificent human things…How can I explain this? There was another incident in 1976, also in Yambuku. One of the doctors - he was a Belgian named Jean-Francois Ruppol - delivered a baby in the middle of it all.” Ebola has a profound effect on pregnant women: they hemorrhage profusely and abort the fetus, which itself is infected with Ebola. “There were people dying of Ebola all around in that room in the hospital, and there was a woman in childbirth. She was Dr. Ruppol’s patient, and her baby was his patient, too. The baby was stuck - too big for the birth canal.” The woman had a high fever, she was terribly ill, but her baby had to be delivered, even if it was infected with Ebola.
“So he performed the Zarate procedure on her,” Close said.
“What’s that?” I asked.
“The Zarate procedure? It’s a simple and rather crude but very effective way of enlarging the outlet to remove the baby.
“With a knife, you split the pubic symphysis.”
“The what?”
“The front of the pelvis. The pelvic bones.” He said.
It’s a hard, bony spot, and you can feel it, just above the pubic area, he said. “You split the bones there. You press the scalpel through cartilage. The bones go “pop” and the pelvis springs open, and you pull the baby out. The hospital had run out of anesthetics. So he did the Zarate procedure on the woman without giving her an anesthetic.”
“My God.”
“She was conscious. By the time he got the baby out, the baby had stopped breathing. The baby was in breathing arrest and drenched with the woman’s blood. He put the baby’s mouth to his mouth and gave the baby mouth to mouth resuscitation. The baby started to breathe. He pulled away, and his mouth and face were smeared with blood. There was a nurse standing by. When she saw his face she said, ‘Doctor, do you realize what you’ve done?’
“ ‘I do now,’ he said.”

Thought I'd share this. Was as just a good read, the first and second round. Short, & to the point - but I really favored this passage for many different reasons. I love Richard Preston and most research authors. First, they aren't IN the medical field... but are researching/writing/interviewing everything involved with science. So you can just feel all their passion and detail that a professional in the field might be already immune to - or would leave out. I think in order to really appreciate this book, you'd have to read all his other books because in this book, he narrates and adds new little details/comments chapter by chapter, from of his previous books + all different subjects related to science. Sort of like short stories mixed with new info on his old works. Mountains of Pi, is a really good chapter as well. I don't know, it's just all really good material to me.

LINKS:

¹ Mountains of Pi - The New Yorker

² Richard Preston: Video - Panic in Level 4
Book Passage. Watch me!

³ Click: Play Video. The story of two brilliant mathematicians, a unicorn,
and a homemade supercomputer.

c o i t u s interruptus

2009-05-25T00:25:20Z

Maybe he doesn’t push me {enough} And to be fair, Maybe, by some knowingly unreachable standard. To compensate, I’ve become that role, that dreadful nagging role. My satisfaction is wishy-washy. I want it to be enough, but no matter the upgrade, well, no matter. Creature From the Black Lagoon peejemay pants... I’ve come to live in them with a face that swears by a blend of steep and utility, lacquered on thick or thin, what does it matter with those pants on. We can’t be exact because if we do that, it’ll look unfit and no, that kind we don’t wish to appear. So we are left now with him. The ones I’ve Left to be around, the ones that I’ve allowed or the ones, better yet that have stayed because (I don’t know why) [some unidentifiable reason here] persist in this direction - this obscene idea that he looks not at, but up, to me. The looks I miss when I’m not looking, and it’s possible to look without “looking” — apparently. Even my mother can see what I completely fail to. The glances, I wager, are just a half a second off, I guess, or something. And what can be done in half a second - that is what I’d like to know. How can they see, what he sees, what I don’t see, by just that quick glance. How do you come by all that love in half a second. Because when he looks at me, I feel doubt. A younger scene floats by… where I am not looking. The way all common household epiphanies are. When engaged, I’m found. It does not take a single isolated incident to fumble, but a cluster over time, and one day the head decides it hurts the heart more than the mind. The word games Are choices. Distinct and precise and full and just as much of an “almost” too. It becomes very clear to me several times a day that we are just not right for each other, about as much as we are irreplaceably (and/or) unimpeachably right for each other. Totally together, a fucking mess. And that was once to be said, out loud with doubt.
I feel like the spot I am sometimes in, is really ridiculous. I’m not trying to be concerned with something silly now. But I am concerned as far as my keyboard and personalities are concerned, at least to you and to whom it may concern. Up hill, or down hill, personally it’s all over the hill from here on out. Ha. Personally again, I prefer it like this — at least I do now. And at least I Do. I’ve been scolded into the idea that some actually never get shushed up enough to get there///here. But I do, and I did and what can be done now is what concerns me most. The guiltless are of no question any longer — maybe somewhere in the back of my mind of minds I am concerned with my rights. But over all, what concerns me most, is that I am “now” and am present, acute and some other word. Ever bored, but awake to new sight. I can swallow the key and foolishly continue on checking for different doors. Like in the damn Hobbit movie, when hairy foot guy #1 says to hairy foot guy #2 “What about second Breakfast!?”
I am often hungry, and boredom should fix that, but it never does. As far I know, it probably never will. Is he left with the amputee ... I wonder. Not gigantic, but an ‘enough and more’ mouth that acts on-command-grateful, with aim to complete and that determination too. I can’t help but think, it’s really the: willing and wanting (temporarily) to be degraded on the spot, mouth he’s always after again and again… but I know that would only make sense if almost a decade hadn’t gone by. The things it does do… fixated, orally concentrated without flaw but a slip here and there of this actual softness comes through. Does he see that, I wonder, when I’m tossing the fucking blue steel on his **** . . . Does he notice this hardness is really just an escape from having to be soft, and what’s worse than to be soft and vulnerable in broad daylight, tell me. I picture these huge light colored eyes, and if eyes could sit, they’d be sitting, no, kneeling with locked up legs. Every slight touch, is black mascara wet and it’s cutting open perfectly, still, actually kind///endearing parts of me. It’s moments of absolute loss of control. Control that is repeatedly given up, rather than taken.

Nodding Syndrome

2009-05-12T02:58:21Z

SOMETHING — LATELY,
If I had been through an expressive phase. I was moved - poignant. I’m fazed and re-re-unfazed. A new essential piece of mind, is lost. Acclimated to thinking in unspeakable ways. And “some” doubt. Not that it feels very over, but I do miss feeling excited. Maybe I was crushed before and I don’t remember. It’s not working out for numerous reasons, and of course it doesn’t help that I could be trying. I’ve got such a thin “could” going on over here. Probably thin enough to confuse even the sturdiest knot. It could be a multitude of things right now, it’s the times baby, it’s the amusement park pancreas, it’s the late hours, lack of sleep, weight loss, angel hair & chalky right through a dollar bill hose. Lungs are also fried. Made an awful taste in the back of my throat. It’s not like trickling phlegm. It has dust mites, very ‘high’ dust mites - it’s another way to be numb, and some other things we say are difficult. “How’eth many ways does thou need’eth to shut’eth down” - redumbdant. One of them has to eventually work - it’s always in the last place you look, not because of fate and wizards - and all of it’s majestic born-again buffoonery, but because - you just stop looking.

Bizarre Illness Terrifies Sudanese: Nodding syndrome - A mysterious disease of children
Article:Here

"Martha Halim lives in fear. She is terrified of the moon's phases, afraid of eating and fearful of fires, rivers and ponds.

She is stricken with mysterious seizures that frighten her from eating. Her parents have tried everything. She's been to a hospital, she's seen a Western doctor and she's taken anti-epileptic drugs."

She gives a grim description of what it's like when her disease overpowers her.

"When it comes, it looks like a black cloud but in the shape of a human," said Martha. "That's all I know. At the end, I find myself on the floor."

Martha suffers from a strange affliction called "nodding syndrome," apparently unique to southern Sudan. Its young victims tend to nod vigorously at the sight of food. The condition often progresses to severe seizures, mental retardation and death.

The affliction, which has been found in about 300 children so far, baffles experts. The World Health Organization began investigating it about two years ago, around a year after Martha's symptom first appeared.

Peter Spencer, an American neurotoxicologist who has investigated the condition for WHO, encountered another 13-year-old girl with a bizarre variation of the illness.

"I was able to demonstrate with her that she was a regular nodder with local food and by contrast she did not nod when eating a variety of American food — candy bars or whatever. It was absolutely staggering," he said.

"You can consider her a dead person, because she is not going to marry and she is going to die of this disease," her father says. "If this treatment doesn't work, then all I can do is wait to let the child die." ■

My friend Tommy - His Nature - Band - Photography - Website, Here took me on a nice little buns-work-out hike up to Dutchman's Rock (and then Bolinas Ridge, around sunset) about a week ago. It was good times and a very beautiful experience. I was really happy to get out and do something like this with someone who sincerely enjoys nature adventuring-it-up. Getting the fuck outdoors and not having to be anywhere near a computer, or phone, or in fact anything... I told him, if my legs and ass weren't in pain the next day, he failed. I was a little sore, about two days later so that means I got a work out. Now, I just need to keep doing this sort of thing more often. Had a smoke once we reached the top of our destination, saw a couple of banana slugs and newts, beautiful sunset view, and... mountain lion shit XD XD XD

April. Jenn and I went along redwood road, during the heat wave to hang out - it had been awhile since we'd seen each other. My camera came along to blackmail in picture form - the two of us, low-key, lazy, and sticky. Probably wasn't the best week to go wandering around outdoors... & in the middle of the day - when the sun is feeling the most generous. That's where Photoshop comes in handy. Overall it's just being out that feels good. My hair color is still weird, not quite the color or length I want it yet. I trimmed off 4 inches of hair and as soon as I find an affordable stylist, I'm going for the full change.

And Ms. Jennitals here, futzing around in my truck of bright orange doom: (She likes the truck, I however, would have to disagree. Yes, it gets me places, so that's all that really counts anyway)

Uhh... this was in April too? I think? W/e. Bryan so cheats at pool! I would have won every game, but he has a penis, so that's fucking cheating.

Hours later & I'm still excited.

I can't wait for Wednesday. I •really• hope I get the Kaiser Job!

Kaiser Hospital • Interview!

2009-05-11T19:56:50Z

I've been bouncing around them, back and forth, sending in resume after resume over to different departments over there, calling - getting vague responses and then actually getting through to human voices just to give a little mini "phone interview" and then hang up and wait for anything, a response, an email, something. A week goes by, another week, a month, maybe longer... and just as I had resigned, thinking it wasn't going to work out right now, not until I have more schooling... and back off to start looking in a new direction (Like Convalescent Hospitals) I get a voicemail this morning at 10:55AM. From FUCKING KAISER HOSPITAL. I rushed to take Bryan to work and called that shit back so fast, and got her voice and she told me "I remembered you, you made a great first impression, can you come to the Hospital on Wednesday?" I said YES, of fucking course. I tried very hard not to sound like a loon about to cry and scream for joy and put on my professional blah blah voice. I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE THEY REMEMBERED ME. The first time we spoke, she told me "I can feel your passion" and this was just over the phone. She said I made a great impression.... enough that she remembered me out of how many applicants a month and some change later, right?!? I don't want to toot my own horn, but fuck it - I am gonna - I have a FUCKING PHENOMENAL reference on my resume; From my 2007 Nursing Instructor, Professor (and Dr.) Nancy Cowan. She told me after I had passed my oral finals in 2007, she most certainly would allow me to use her name for a reference after I passed her course. So I've been using it for kaiser, and now I'm hoping Kaiser + Professor speak, because my professor was really, really, really hard and very stern-to-the-point and that would just be fucking perfect if they speak. I don't give two shits about my typing, run on sentences, well maybe I care a little bit otherwise I wouldn't be mentioning that I don't care. Just forgive this messy entry. I'm so excited, my stomach feels like it's burning, I'm so nervous, EXCITED x 2, happy - wewt!, I feel like the best thing in the entire world is a possibility in my life. I want this more than I want anything, this is such a good opportunity - this might be my "in" my fucking dream come true called MY PHONE THIS MORNING. And I called it back, hungry, willing and ready to face it. OH FUCK, If I get a god damn zit on the day of the interview I will kill something!!! I will not be able to sleep the night before, In fact I don't even plan to sleep because I know me, I'll be laying there all night... just unable to turn off my mind. The only difference this time is that I don't want to turn it off now.

The Trial

2009-03-26T23:21:01Z

I swear I'm almost done posting on this topic. But it's been in the news, and all over the local papers on the internet - and we finally know who it is, where he lives, went to school with my sister... And this is what the man looks like:

Q: Why am I paranoid living in San Lorenzo - especially in the evening?
A: See the above.
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The trial is going to be a long one. An unnecessary battle. He didn’t just mess up once and apologize or learn from it at all, he has a huge list. And now his criminal record is bleeding into our lives. He has no conscience and that to me is about the worst part because, he can never be punished, only locked away. In court he sits unmoved and tired, rolling eyes slumped over in his seat, bored. His girlfriend motions to him and makes eye contact, more focused on him and any attention she can get from him than from what she helped to do. I have no idea when any of this will end. I don’t think anytime soon, and they are all pleading Not Guilty.

The night he did it, he dressed up as The Joker. He opened my grandmothers door, yelling "Ta-Da!" And did a jig-tap-dance before he began to choke her. My Grandmother is still recovering, and is well enough now to own and take care of a cat. I should get ready soon, I'm sick with another flu and not feeling (or looking) so hot... And I've got tickets tonight for a show. I've also got my math class, so I'll probably stop by my school before I head out to drop off my math HW and head to SF from there.

Las Vegas | CA, Metalfest:

2009-02-14T00:04:46Z

Las Vegas is not a cheap place to have your anniversary!

My hair has gotten too long. I have been covering it with black cherry instead of black for some months now. And finally the color has begun to show. I think it's time for a major hair cut, among other changes... That will probably end up on here eventually. Too much to report in too little time for now though. Time to bathe - going to see an old friend tonight.

Can't wait for this !

↓

California Metalfest

Victory for Sylvanas!

2008-12-30T20:52:37Z

FOUR assholes in custody without bail on my Grandmother's assault case! It's being tried as "Attempted Murder" Four men, possibly a woman, and one guy did the whole job, while all the others were in fact involved.

December 10, 2008 - Photo Entry

2008-12-10T10:37:01Z

I just watched There Will Be Blood last night - is it just me or is that Ending and the last two words uttered the best ever, or what? ... really, that movie: brilliant.

My cats think they're homeless, and my folks TV thinks it's a fireplace. What's this world coming to.

Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

2008-12-05T00:45:31Z

I just deleted about 80% of my journal. I have been thinking about a fresh start entirely but since this journal is paid for and I don't really desire a new username at the moment, I'll continue to occupy this account. Feel free to add this journal of course, it will remain public mostly. While I'm undergoing maintenance laugh with me or at me for that matter...

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

hilarykeller @ 2008-11-28T06:06:00

2008-11-28T14:07:02Z

So I'm currently absorbed in a book called INTO THIN AIR by Jon Krakauer - just half way through. I have not been this excited by a book since The Demon in the Freezer by Richard Preston. I'm resorting to a fantasy - adventure phase recently. I just sliced some pumpkin cheesecake, poured a glass of soy nog and took a moment to read & play on the computer. I've been wanting to take pictures of my viral collection that I've acquired from over the years, and so, tonight I tried to put together a few of my favorite items.

Well here is some; not all from my ridiculously-obsessive-science-virology-crap collection: & as if you weren't already tired of seeing me post on this fucking shit. Yes still obsessed... not nearly as interesting as a pair of tits - but hell! You've gotta love some Ebola.

This is one of those hanging sign fluorescent lights... Bryan actually found this beaut on Ebay some Christmases ago as a present for me. I can't believe how bad - ass this is!

This shirt rules - we were made for each other!

Q: If Black Death battles Ebola who would you bet on to win ? (will post answer later)

The 5th of November:

2008-11-05T12:19:25Z

Started & Completed a household project this weekend. Cleaned, reorganized, chopped my old desk up into pieces and threw the old wood and rusty nails belonging to said desk out; in replace of new *actual* desk. I was using this self-made wooden desk before, and am now using something very official looking, clean with a nice finish for my computer, stereo, camera equipment, and books to rest atop. Quite pleased. I found so many old books, I thought I’d lost. I now have a working printer again, so no more emailing my articles and essays for school over to my folks computer to print out anymore.

Mmm, let’s see a little something different now; in the process of moving & reorganizing I found some really old photo album with all these negatives and print sheets of old photoshoots. Not to be confused with old as in a few years or months ago, but I mean from my first ever shoots. I found photos that were developed in my school photo lab, and I guess when I got my digital cameras I simply forgot about them. I have not seen these film sheets since the time they were captured. This was before I got on the computer for anything other than playing Lemmings, before I even knew what Myspace or Livejournal was, or even really used a chat program. Very Hilary Computer-Newb Era.

Well, I still haven’t hooked up my scanner so I had to take pictures of these print sheets with my digital camera and upload them all that way. As you can see these photo sheets have aged significantly, and the quality is very bad. The "film grain" effect isn’t Photoshop, that is just the process of time. They have been tossed around a lot over the years and left to deteriorate in some dusty photo album. In fact I remember why I put them all there, I was hiding them from my mom, because they were risqué for my age, and I didn’t want to get into trouble ! Haha. In one of the shoots you can see I’m wearing a ‘Marduk’ shirt before I cut it up and made it a stummy-shirt later on. . . anyway, I still have the shirt. I had really fried hair. I was always experimenting with it and bleaching it and doing all sorts of shit to my head. I was but a wee thing. Well, I am still that awkward geek. Mmm yes, one shoot is in the cemetery, as if the concept was the living end! At least I now, know better of that idea.

I warn, the quality is very bad, and I was very young. The combination, isn't exactly all that extraordinary. I didn't feel like loading all of them, but at least a few samples. In person, up close they are a little more clear, however through the process of uploading film print sheets to internet, and photobucket, when it's already aged & damaged, well you get the point...

Of course I had to nail like, every extreme Black Metal theme; frolicking in the forest, steel toe boots, obsession with the morbid & the dead... as well nature exploration, ah youth! Wait a minute, that's still me now >.< Oh bother, some things never change.

Visual Entry | October 16, Two Thousand Eight

2008-10-16T20:54:10Z

It’s so calm - unusually subdued. I quite like it, I feel like I can get away with being a total geek, when it’s like this. I've been up since 230AM, and I've had this entry sitting in my journal marked as private for two weeks; thought it was time to paste it into a new entry and mark it public. I'm going to start working on a ADITL. I recently joined one of the 'aditl' communities, I love it and will try my best to make one of my own; though it'll be hard my routine/wake up/sleep changes everyday. In about zero point five seconds I will take a pill, I’m thinking it’s a skelaxin kind of day; but I’ll probably eat the yellow pill.

This is the use of memory:

For liberation - not less of love but expanding of love beyond desire,
and so liberation from the future as well as the past.

- T.S Eliot,
“Little Gidding” III
The four quartets

The blank mask is from Jenn's collection of paper Masks in which she decorates; though these photos aren't the most conventional, I thought I'd post them anyway.

This photo was an accident, wasn't posing, but the one thing I like is that mischievous looking expression.

My new favorite picture of Jenn:

A Love puppet:

The San Francisco Sutro Bath Ruins, April 2008, Photos:

Hey check it out, I'm healthy!

My weight sucks ass. Do I look like I weigh 92 pounds? I mean, I think I look like a "normal" thin weight. My LJ paid account has expired, for now - I'm not seeing any advertisements so I think I'll be OK without one for awhile...

Last edit, I swear - A couple years ago a friend on dA invited me to join his new site for Artists/Photographers dedicated to all types of the Dark Art community. I'm not sure if you -have- to be a member on dA but I think you still need the invitation code, anyway it's called 'DirtyAngels' the site is coming along well, in fact every Artist on there is really, really good. I recommend! Here is my profile, I appreciate the layout of this website: http://www.dirtyangels.net/HilaryKeller

Entry II of II - China banned the pigtail in 1911 as it was seen as a symbol of feudalism.

2008-09-07T02:32:03Z

Myspace deleted these, then Photobucket deleted one, and now I'm going to test my luck and see if Livejournal does the same thing. I just don't see how these are considered explicit or violating, but that is not for me to decide being that it is a product of something I am well beyond comfortable with, and apparently the internet is still not yet comfortably acquainted with a bit of leg and bum. We all know Myspace is comfortable with everything else... yet, what is fair, isn't really my call. Resistance only makes for more temptation. I'm not really yet sure, how good that can be, oh well.

I'm really lethargic from all this heat, but it is finally beginning to burn off, and cool the house. I don't know how well I'll do tomorrow in this heat, if I'm going to visit my sister Jori to do some antiquing and beaching up north. I wasn't able to leave this morning or all afternoon because the brakes in my car finally expired, and have been grinding with every stop I've made over the last... Oh couple months of putting off taking it to the shop... so expensive. I just got my car back, and am able to leave town tomorrow early as possible, and be back before class next week. I hope the heat doesn't persist, I'm such a pansy 80 degrees and on, and I'm starting to panic, well mostly because I can't make hot tea =\ Which by the way, I decided to say Fuck the Drs. orders, and following this new Kidney stone-Free diet, and I'm back to drinking tea again, regardless. In moderation this time, no more than a pot per 24HRS. (it was mostly the black tea that caused the stones so I'm avoiding that kind completely) Aw hell, a girls gotta live!

Oh just look at my big fat ass... It looks like a pillow =\

The thing behind me is one of those dressing screens, I really love them. I took a bunch more like this, but haven't gotten a chance to finish editing. It took me this long to even post these... and I haven't even made a dent in the other photos I plan to finish editing, that are so old now... and I know the weekends are so calm, I am able to actually attempt creative pastimes. I have also been updating my dA page again, if you would like to visit / explore: http://duskinsodom.deviantart.com/

Half Moon Bay - Winter, Spring and Summer.

2008-08-12T05:04:44Z

January was about the last time I truly experienced the use of this journal or even projected some form of myself - on a visual level. I fear I must have temporarily become inhibited. Believe it or not, I actually do have some good days. Been on break for awhile. I don’t start any classes until 8/20. I’m going back to my original plan: Degree, and RN. Luckily, one of the courses I’m taking this term kills two requirements, both for RN and Degree Reqs. Bitchen.

January a lot of fun things happened, I finished 1/2 of my RN courses with above 90% - Bryan and I celebrated our eighth year together with a sweet surprise trip to Monterey, and I took a trip to Half Moon Bay with Jenn during Winter. Followed by more trips to Half Moon Bay in spring, and then back in summer for Bryan’s birthday. I have now visited HMB during almost every season. (I need to visit with my camera in fall next, especially for the Halloween festival which I’ve been to twice) I am still really excited by outdoorsy things, catching creatures in their natural element and having geek-tastic nature picnics and hikes. I want to go Mushroom-hunting soon, but I have to wait until it’s the right time to find the pretty kind I'm after. I’m sure I could just go to the grocery store and find some... but that’s not very fun =*(( Yes, I become lamer by the year. I might as well go buy a pocket-protector now, since I’ll be getting glasses soon. Just one step closer to the entire nerd package.

Have I ever admitted my extremely idiotic obsession with Dragons ? Well, I just watched the movie: Reign of Fire starring Christian Bale. Uh uh, that boy has some fine DNA. I don’t know which movie is better Dragonheart or this one, they are both so cool ! (Horrible CG I know but such major coolness) I can’t help it >_< I want an entire Dragon movie collection. HellToTheYeah.

So, I’m feeling pretty good tonight and I felt like sharing it, that’s all.

I discovered a private beach that is never crowded because getting to it can be quite troublesome for anyone with a fear of heights or just flat out uninterested in climbing a rope down the side of a mountain to get to a beach. It’s barely a mile long hike. I think what’s so elusive about this spot; other than it being so secluded, is that it’s a challenge, and that keeps me coming back. The day I can no longer make it up & down the rope means I have to worry, significantly and that’ll be just depressing because the spot is brilliant. There’s a cave if you walk far enough before the tide comes in and fills up the cave path, that leads to a nude beach... I must be frank here, I do not recommend it, with much disappointment: old men, fuzzy penile columns, and let me tell you their balls are definitely not on good terms with gravity. Definitely not.

JANUARY | 2008

My favorite photo of Jenn:

JUNE | 2008:

A typical Half Moon Bay evening with fog starting to roll in - as it creates a haze over the waters, rocks and trees below. Even in summer it does this, and the weather is actually very crisp - a lot unlike the normal overcast balmy weather us, East Bayer's receive frequently.

SPRING | 2008:

hilarykeller @ 2008-07-18T23:42:00

2008-07-19T06:43:58Z

Our Lady of the Flowers | Jean Genet

2008-05-12T08:45:52Z

“If I continue, he will rise up, become erect, and penetrate me so deeply that I shall be marked with stigmata. I can’t bear it any longer - I am turning him into a character whom, I shall be able to torment in my own way.”

“He played with her like a cat with a mouse. He was ferocious -- As she lies with her cheek on his black chest (her wig is on firmly), divine thinks about that tongue of his which is so strong while hers is so soft. Everything about Divine is soft. Softness or firmness is only a matter of tissues in which the blood is more or less abundant.”

“I skinned the woman” in the sense that one says of a rabbit: “I skinned it,” that is, carved it up. He also said: “The warden says to me straight off: “you’re a funny egg.” and I answer back: “let me tell you, eggs like me are worth just as much as eggs like you.”

“I like my lovers to be bow-legged, like Jockies, so they can grab me around the thighs better when they ride me.”

Divine is dead, is dead and buried. . .
. . . is dead and buried.

“I have quit, the way a contestant in a six-day bicycle race quits; yet the memory of his eyes and their fatigue, which I have to cull from the face of another youngster whom I saw coming out of a brothel, a boy with firm legs and ruthless cock, So solid that I might say it was knotted, and his face (it alone, seen without it’s veil), which asks for shelter like a knight-errant-this memory refuses to disappear as the memory of my dream-friends usually does.”

“I close my eyes. Divine and Darling. To Darling, Divine is barely a pretext, an occasion. If he thought of her, he would shrug his shoulders to shake off the thought, as if the thought were a dragons claws clinging to his back. But to divine, Darling is everything. She takes care of his penis. She caresses it with the most profuse tenderness and calls it by the kind of pet names used by ordinary folk when they feel horny. Such expressions as Little Dicky, the Babe in the Cradle, Jesus in His manger, the Hot Little Chap, your Baby Brother, without her formulating them, take on full meaning. Her feeling accepts them literally. Darling’s penis is in itself all of Darling: the object of her pure luxury.”

Our Lady was singing:

SOY DREAM ICE CREAM and other things my diet consists of, which doesn't exactly help me gain weight =\

Thanks to Mary - for swapping books with me when we should be taking notes in class. I've been preoccupied reading this book all day, relaxing, indulging and spending time with my mumsy; Bryan's over now too to spend the day with my mom as well. I think we'll be leaving to his place in a few hours since his house is empty and we are house sitting for a week. We haven't decided if we should utilize having a house to ourselves to be alone, romantic, relaxed or use the house, space and privacy for creative projects.
Maybe, hopefully we'll feel like doing both. This is my LAST WEEK OF CLASSES. I have the next month and some change, off ! But with that news, means - it's final exams time again...
I just came from the store, I was craving some more French Vanilla Soy Dream Ice Cream. I also picked up a new flavor pecan something or other. Really effin good. My subscriptions to Scientific American & SciAmer MIND aren't here yet, they always arrive on time, but for some reason this batch isn't here yet, I hope they're just late.

T&A is over-rated. It is all about them hot, wet, little organs tightly stuffed inside your gut. I don't know about you - but every time I see a pair of perforated kidneys I am forced to pardon myself, to change my knickers. Nobody gets breast implants or nose jobs anymore, it's all about the kidney implants - get hip.

One of the books I received during the Winter Holidays:

A Giant Human Anatomy Book. It has huge images, accurate English & Greek text descriptions along with historical facts and time lines - It isn't all human anatomy it goes into things like acupuncture, cell mutation, veterinary pathology, medicine etc. I was floored when I received this gift. Anyways a snippet, and just that.

I purchased new gloves...

I don't know about you, but I think THESE are the winning pair, have you ever seen such elegant SEXY, rubber... =P

new shoes! (well, 4 months ago...) I found these at PAYLESS ON SALE, even.

Current & Previous Book Subjects | Studies I’ve been into, and looking for:

Biological Warfare & Historical Warfare, propaganda, history and chemical structure of creating bombs; perverse governmental creation - mishaps, doomsday, atomic bomb, weaponry, machinery used during the civil wars, WWI & WWII. Military operations. War Crime.

Charles Lindbergh.

Anything on Northern Korea. (for obvious & unfortunate reasons)

ANYTHING on Upton Sinclair, and if anyone owns the book ‘The Jungle” could you please loan it to me.

ANYTHING on Eastern Philosophy: This is mostly what I've been into, apart from science. I’ve been intently studying, Taoism - and various eastern philosophies and beliefs. I might almost say if I were to be apart of anything religiously - this is where I’d find myself.

More on Lao Tzu.

Islamic studies.

Law(s) of Thermodynamics.

Ornithology: Birds & Bird watching. (so geeky, I know)

CIVIL WARS:
- Genpei Wars (1180–1185)
- La Violencia (1948-1958)
- First Islamic Civil War (656–661)
-Satsuma Rebellion (I forget the dates late 1800’s)

& There's too many to list, I’m interested in, (mostly all of the civil wars).

I always mean to be brief, but one things leads to another: and there you have it, all my damned blasted, malarkey on Livejournal.

hilarykeller @ 2008-04-22T14:12:00

2008-04-22T21:13:04Z

I met Perry Gallagher through Deviantart, I value his work tremendously - so it is such an honor to actually connect with him. I started speaking to Michael Helms through dA just over the week, and he is also so warm, it’s just been wonderful. Perry has the most comforting voice, and overall demeanor I really was surprised, because his work is so intimidating. So, we phoned today to discuss plans this morning as we’ve been talking of working together, for awhile now - but my school schedule and his shooting schedule is outrageous so it’s been difficult. Today I spoke to Perry for little over an hour about everything from life, to photography and everything else and created a solid plan for me to drive up this summer to work on our project.

I’m nervous about this trip, because I’m not a model and I just want to have fun, and do the things I know I’ll regret not doing if I never do them.

photo dun been did by: Jenn, (who else)

He works in a lot of fine-art nude so you must have an account with dA to view his visuals, if you may be interested in seeing his work. (it's worth the look, imho)

Deviant A r t: Perry | Gallagher

Personal Site: Perry | Gallagher

hilarykeller @ 2008-01-22T06:27:00

2008-01-22T14:30:01Z

What we can love - we will injure.
with that in which
is absolute residual space,

- cannot but impede, occupy, or regard

A N Y O F T H I S.

- A u t / o

S E R I E S - 2007 | OCTOBER

CLICK TO VIEW IMAGES:

FIGURE I.
A n a t o m i c a l F i g u r e - b r y a n m.
A t m o s p h e r e & L e n s - h i l a r y k.

A n d I can't face the evening straight
A n d y o u can o f f e r me e s c a p e
Houses l i v e and houses s p e a k
If you take me there you'll get r e l i e f
believe, believe, believe, believe...

FIGURE II.
A n a t o m i c a l F i g u r e - H i l a r y K e l l e r.
A t m o s p h e r e & L e n s - Bryan & Self - Timer

trache / o / tomy

2008-01-22T12:29:34Z

n. The operation of cutting into the trachea to give the patient an airway.

Incision of the trachea through the skin and muscles of the neck.
Inferior tracheotomy - performed b e l o w the isthmus of the thyroid.
Superior tracheotomy - performed above the isthmus of t h e thyroid.

22 | JANUARY | 2008

My first day as a returning student, for the spring semester. And I still need to buy my Manikin + pay lab fee's for Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR) and further courses.

Yep, middle night twitterpated rants, pointless as they come. Thank You, very little restlessness.

I should be asleep, I should be drinking tasteless water so I don't get a re-occurrence of fucking kidney stones again, but Nope I have my Vanilla milk of the soy bean, an old-ish Raspberry Mocha, 1/2 pack of cigarettes & norco stimulating my already anxious bum right now. I'm also s t i l l not! tired and I know I'll be up half the night... accomplishing everything but sleep.