hilarykeller: Visual Entry | October 16, Two Thousand Eight

Hilary Keller (

hilarykeller) wrote,
@ 2008-10-16 13:53:00

Current music:	NUMB - Blood Meridian - Track 03
Entry tags:	sutro baths, wildlife refuge

Visual Entry | October 16, Two Thousand Eight

It’s so calm - unusually subdued. I quite like it, I feel like I can get away with being a total geek, when it’s like this. I've been up since 230AM, and I've had this entry sitting in my journal marked as private for two weeks; thought it was time to paste it into a new entry and mark it public. I'm going to start working on a ADITL. I recently joined one of the 'aditl' communities, I love it and will try my best to make one of my own; though it'll be hard my routine/wake up/sleep changes everyday. In about zero point five seconds I will take a pill, I’m thinking it’s a skelaxin kind of day; but I’ll probably eat the yellow pill.

This is the use of memory:

For liberation - not less of love but expanding of love beyond desire,
and so liberation from the future as well as the past.

- T.S Eliot,
“Little Gidding” III
The four quartets

The blank mask is from Jenn's collection of paper Masks in which she decorates; though these photos aren't the most conventional, I thought I'd post them anyway.

This photo was an accident, wasn't posing, but the one thing I like is that mischievous looking expression.

My new favorite picture of Jenn:

A Love puppet:

The San Francisco Sutro Bath Ruins, April 2008, Photos:

Hey check it out, I'm healthy!

My weight sucks ass. Do I look like I weigh 92 pounds? I mean, I think I look like a "normal" thin weight. My LJ paid account has expired, for now - I'm not seeing any advertisements so I think I'll be OK without one for awhile...

Last edit, I swear - A couple years ago a friend on dA invited me to join his new site for Artists/Photographers dedicated to all types of the Dark Art community. I'm not sure if you -have- to be a member on dA but I think you still need the invitation code, anyway it's called 'DirtyAngels' the site is coming along well, in fact every Artist on there is really, really good. I recommend! Here is my profile, I appreciate the layout of this website: http://www.dirtyangels.net/HilaryKeller

(55 comments) - (Post a new comment)

	smell_the_witch 2008-10-16 09:02 pm UTC (link)
	Beautiful! And I, for one, would be thrilled if you did the 'day in your life' thing. :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-16 09:10 pm UTC (link)
	Thank you =) It'll be interesting to have the camera around me all day, I'll try to do it on a hike day, or when I'm going to class so I can take pictures of my campus ^.^ (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

smell_the_witch, 2008-10-16 09:22 pm UTC

(no subject) -

hilarykeller, 2008-10-16 09:55 pm UTC

(no subject) -

smell_the_witch, 2008-10-17 02:23 am UTC

:) -

queen_soul, 2008-10-16 09:38 pm UTC

Re: :) -

hilarykeller, 2008-10-16 09:51 pm UTC

Re: :) -

queen_soul, 2008-10-28 11:52 am UTC

	jetsiva 2008-10-16 09:10 pm UTC (link)
	All of these pictures are amazing. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-16 09:18 pm UTC (link)
	Why, thank you ;> (Reply to this) (Parent)

	:) queen_soul 2008-10-16 09:37 pm UTC (link)
	thank God you are healthy! to be honest, i was suprised to see how thin you were (when i saw you at the first time) but what i say..i am thin too :S averyone says to me to eat!they getting me on nerves! :@ and i really find your pics so sensitive :) lots of kisses sweetheart! :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: :)

hilarykeller
2008-10-16 09:45 pm UTC (link)

Thank every blasphemous bone in my body for acting good & proper for once, and not getting sick! I get very upset at my body when it acts up, has a mind of it's own I swear... Hehe.

I hate it when people point out my weight too, as if I don't eat? How the hell am I able to go on long hikes and move around so well then! Once upon a time it was acceptable to be 'thin' not anymore, not in America. Don't get me wrong, I need to gain weight, but no sense in moping over what I can't be - just workin' with what I got!

Thank you for dropping in, to have a look at my journal. You are very sweet with your words =)

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

Re: :) -

0ubliette, 2008-10-16 09:56 pm UTC

Re: :) -

hilarykeller, 2008-10-16 10:43 pm UTC

hiver_noir
2008-10-16 09:54 pm UTC (link)

_{Great great images, like always. I love the ones you're sitting among the.. plants (what are they really?). The 12th one from the beginning is by far my favourite. The one where you're 'hiding' behind the plants and one eye is blurry and the other sharp. It reminds me of a wild animal, lurking and watching its prey. Amazingly beautiful. :) You should definitely post this on DA. I really want to fav it.
And then there's the 7th one, where you look very eerie and your eyes are just breathtaking. This is my second favourite. ;)

I've got a question (ok, two). Where these first ones taken with your canon? And what lens are you using (if you don't mind me asking)? My father bought me one, which is ok, but I'm thinking of buying a better one on my own.. I really really want a bigger apperture, I love big DOF.. :/}

(Reply to this) (Thread)

hilarykeller
2008-10-16 10:27 pm UTC (link)

[Q 1]: The first ones were taken at one of the 'Wildlife Refuges' on the cusp of Hayward/Fremont/San Leandro, California. It's normally not all dead, but it's summer, and I think you call them, pussy willow? Well, those were a bit dried and a little beyond the expiration date; now just little allergen vessels, swarming my nose and itching my eyes! There is a HUGE field of them, it goes on for miles; just endless. About 30-40 yards you'll find the bay, rocks, all kinds of gated animals and creatures. We weren't supposed to trespass because of the animals, but we didn't bother anything - so all was OK ^.^ We did, however find an array of birds which flew by too fast to photograph, and some bird carcasses.

The photo you mention with one eye showing, was actually a test shot, Haha! Jenn was shooting on some new setting, and had to test the clarity; well the photo was also on tungsten, but I changed the color in photoshop to something more natural, instead of the icy blue. Thanks! Even though I had to completely clone one side of my real lip to the other side because a dead leaf/branch was covering right side of photo, & my left. I think, I think I already posted it to dA, i've been trying to be more active there again.

[Q 2]: OK, don't laugh or scold me! The lens I'm *always* using is actually not meant for portrait, or zoom or anything, except Macro. Yes, I shoot all in Macro, if you can believe it -.- All I have are two now, a major zoom lens for long distance and a macro; two extremes no middle. So I have to work a little extra a to make it work, and look like it's a regular lens. I was a little limited at first, then I got a remote control for my camera, so I'm good now! I have my method down, and I'm learning all the time with every shoot. I love it, I actually fancy Macro more now - go figure!

What about you, what lenses are you using? I must say, I love canon vs. other SLRs, I could never go with any other kind. I'll remain canon faithful for life. I want another lens, but I can't afford it right now, so I'm working with what I have, until I'm financially secure again. What do you recommend? I really like extreme angles, and up close yet distorted, almost pinch toolesque looking. The next lens I get will probably be something like that.

You know, I never mind any question you ask, and I always love to talk to you! I just adore you and your art. One day soon we can make that voice-date if you wish? I have an idea we might be successful with this time. ;-*

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

hiver_noir, 2008-10-16 11:17 pm UTC

papajoemambo
2008-10-16 09:57 pm UTC (link)

I think that the images in the tall grass and brambles are just amazing, Hil. It's all beautiful, beautiful stuff, but those stand out for me.

I'm wondering how "goffer than goff" your "Grim Reaper" images would look with a little skull photoshopppery. :P

Anyone who thinks you're not aware of your weight (that is to say, who seem not to know that you know that you're slimmer than you want to be - just as the people who for some reason don't think that I'm aware of how overweight *I* am) are just showing how little they know about people and their likely perceptions of themselves. When you're someone who's experienced the extreme of over weight or under weight, the first thing on your mind when it comes to appearance is "My god - that looks wrong". It'll settle back to what it was like for you when you were a teenage before too long, hun. Your body has only just rebalanced itself, as you've mentioned here.

Edited at 2008-10-16 10:00 pm UTC

(Reply to this) (Thread)

hilarykeller
2008-10-17 12:53 am UTC (link)

Brambles... I like that word =) & Thank you - I've thrown out the will to ever try and prepare for a shoot, they never turn out as nicely as the ones spur of the moment.

You tickle me, with that Goff Talkin' I must actually apologize Mr. Grim R. forgot to bring his sword of death along with him, he traded in his death stick for a hiking stick, the bugger. Maybe next time!

I was actually meatier when I was 18-19. I won't lie, I know 1/2 of it has to do with the medication I'm on, everyday. That's another subject all together though. I've accepted myself, my weight - the hard part is other people accepting it enough to just, I don't know, not shove their psycho-babble in my face *grin* If someone has an issue with it, why go and attack them? Hate/Anger = CARE. I guess they haven't quite yet, gotten the memo... it's just disheartening when I have this shit to deal with from people much older than me, you'd assume they'd have learned a thing or two on etiquette already o.O Well, why not say you n' me make a trade, you give me some of your diet, and I'll trade you my horrible, cheese addicted, tea guzzling diet, deal or no? I'm just now eating Velveeta shells & cheese... It's so bad, but so good >.< !

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

papajoemambo, 2008-10-17 02:30 am UTC

the_sundered
2008-10-16 10:19 pm UTC (link)

Just tried to call you a little bit ago (work/science opinion/ question in case the phone is lacking funds again). Suddenly kinda glad that you weren't around now that I've seen this post. Hilary, you look so incredibly peaceful in these images and afterward to hear that the cancer is gone...makes ME feel at peace. I'm actually smiling for a change! The moist appearance of my eyes is just due to some unknown irritant in them (he lied). All those bitchy rants about lack of scientific ethics I wanted to ramble at you about have pretty much fled from my cares.

Anyway, I hope you're enjoying the pill soft remainder of the day and getting some badly needed sleep as well. Write me when you get some free time though. Feels like we haven't talked in ages - which probably means "weeks".

Oh, and before I go - I'll have to reiterate what I stated back when we first met. You are NOT thin. You are lithe. I get paid to determine observations like "thin" and while "lithe" may not be in our study lexicons - it damn well should be.
You look great. You sound great. I'm happy for you, my friend. You deserve the best of fortunes.

Later. :)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

hilarykeller
2008-10-17 01:18 am UTC (link)

Oh you did? I must have missed it, though my phone is one of those expensive Treo phones, and since I am financially strapped, I have been trying not to use it; which has resulted in tossing it somewhere and not charging it. (I know I'm always bad with phones) I've never been a phone person! But it indeed has been awhile since we last conversed.

I was supposed to have that stupid, annoying, piece of shit breast mass removed and I, uh, oppse what surgical appointment? So being the avoidant one I am, I asked them to treat me ANY other way to avoid surgery, and scarring. I won't let anyone touch my bits with a knife. *I* want to do the cutting, not the other way around! But yes, my Father and I actually were being treated with the same medication, during the same time - only he had an IV chemo session every week, not a medication in pill form. So, what he went through was a thousand times worse, and his health hasn't been good at all, lately. So far, I have had everything he has had, he had kidney stones twice, and then two years later I got them. It seems that I got his genetics in health =\ and my mom's in appearance. Actually just found out my Dad has Parkinson's Disease =\ It's degenerative as you know... his hand tremors really bad, it was the first sign... It's just one thing after another in the Arata/Keller family. So, while I'm feeling well, my father is not - there always has to be a balance, I notice. I'm partially glad I moved home, though it's really a lot of other things... I can help around here now, and be close to school. I can't tell you how much I miss living independence, little things like cooking pancakes at 2AM, or walking around in underthings... But you know, I guess the time has come where I'm learning I don't always come first, in fact a lot of the time I will not, and that can be just, if not more, fulfilling. Sounds like a power trip, maybe it is - at least in a beneficial way!

Oh Please! Erich, I AM thin! Your sweet/silly it's Ok, I promise I won't shatter into a million pieces by a simple word, I've heard, seen, been through, done a lot worse - I promise! Lithe, though has a charming ring to it, and so, Thank you for the effort in your word choice. You have always had a way with words ;-)

The last few lines, should be reflected back on you, you know, I'm not oblivious =) I hope you're feeling well, again Erich. Perhaps we'll speak soon ^.^ Thank you for sending your warmth to me, today =)

Oh well lookit that, I just noticed you made an account on Dirty Angels ^.^

Later indeed =^.^=

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

the_sundered, 2008-10-17 02:01 am UTC

	clintrexx 2008-10-16 10:46 pm UTC (link)
	Wow! Fantastic pics as always Miss :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-17 01:22 am UTC (link)
	Hey you! Thanks! smile (Reply to this) (Parent)

nimbus14
2008-10-17 12:25 am UTC (link)

Damn woman, you’ve got more talent in one finger than all of us put together. Those shots are truly beautiful. The first set of you in the fields is astonishing; your eyes can tell a thousand stories. The pictures of you as a couple are graceful and comforting.

It’s a pleasure to read that you are in good health, you deserver nothing but to be blissful and you do look normal for your weight. Cheers to your health!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

hilarykeller
2008-10-17 01:58 pm UTC (link)

Aw, Thank you! My sister is the one with real camera talent, she's the one who shoots most of my images. We make a great team, she has a very unique style. I love that everything we do seems to be spur of the moment, no planning, or even dressing up... one of these days though we will put more planning into them.

Well I can't disagree with that, cheers to good health!

=)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

bloodburden
2008-10-17 01:24 am UTC (link)

Hil,

I nearly jumped out of my seat after reading this post it made me so happy to read that you are finally healthy. As we both are sickly people & have that in common I'm glad to know that you are doing well in that department. I still have the infection in my kidney's I think because I still piss frequently & I had a yeast infection I don't know if maybe that caused it. But other then that I'm glad to not be puking & nauseated everyday like before (knocks on wood.)

What is ADITL? All the photos are so beautiful but the one's that especially caught my attention were the ones of you looking absolutely adorable with Bryan & the one that has the 'Weee' caption & the one above it you look so happy & free spirited. Just looking at those photos gives me peace of mind & seeing how serene & happy you look they give me comfort knowing that because I only wish well things for you.

We've been friends for a long time & we've both been through our highs & lows in our lives & I must say that I feel at ease knowing that things in your life have taken a turn for the good. As always I'm really grateful to have you as a friend & in my life. Your one of the few people who can understand me & you have made a large significance in my life even though your million miles away you were always there when I needed you the most whether it just be through messages they always meant the world to me. Maybe this isn't the right place to communicate this to you but I felt it had to be said & I wanted you to know.

XoXo.
Sophie

(Reply to this) (Thread)

hilarykeller
2008-10-17 02:26 pm UTC (link)

Sophia Petrillo!

I'm sorry to hear about those infections, I remember when I was little, like 6 or 7 my Mom saying something about Yeast infections from drinking too much beer. I've never had one, but I know my mom told me when I was younger "Never start drinking a lot of beer, you will get infections, and drinking alcohol makes you hairy, look at grandma she grew a mustache from Stolichnaya..." Mind you, this is coming from my mom; the woman who irons money... and because alcoholism runs deep in our family tree, I think she was trying to scare me. But I am certain beer = yeast. I don't remember you ever drinking, right? So then the other causes I'm not sure of =\ Hmm, You say you urinate frequently which sounds like a UTI. Kidney infections, happen after a UTI is not treated for too long. But if I were you, I'd start pounding that cranberry juice, and drinking obscene amounts of water. Especially since it is a FACT, that the more UTI's or infections one has, she is likely to develop stones. I'm just luckily I got them because of genetics -.- Oh and Yeast infections are transmittable through sex, so Miguel could have given you one, or you might give him one. Don't quote me on that though, I'm not entirely sure, as I've never yet had one. I'm healthy so, I don't want to jinx it! Haha.

ADITL = A Day In The Life. I'll take a photo from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep for one whole day. I'm going to try for 100 images.

Thanks Soph, we have been fiends for years, and years. I regard you highly, and though distant, will always care about your well-being. You and myself have been through a lot over the last few years, and I think I've been lucky to have that connection, and understanding with someone who experiences a lot of the same things, as me. It makes me happy to know I have been a positive person in your life. Thank you, for communicating that to me, regardless of if the timing or place is proper, it is my journal & you just happen to my friend ^.^

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

bloodburden, 2008-10-17 06:16 pm UTC

	sistermaryfuck 2008-10-17 01:48 am UTC (link)
	Such a fragile beauty you are. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-17 02:32 pm UTC (link)
	What a sweet thing to say, thank you Miss ^.^ (Reply to this) (Parent)

	xdigmyowngravex 2008-10-17 02:19 am UTC (link)
	christ i wish i could lose weight! i'm gonna try to get down to 240 somehow. take some of mine :P oh to be with someone you love by the sea :( (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-17 02:33 pm UTC (link)
	Arvin! I just read your message, we should hang soon =\ hug (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

xdigmyowngravex, 2008-10-17 10:29 pm UTC

rageofwinter
2008-10-17 02:19 am UTC (link)

Your pictures are always so gorgeous but I will leave it at that for fear I will ruin the description in my head to simple written (typed) words.
What camera do you use?

92 lbs ... seems kind of normal, to ME, anyway, but I just recently reached 100 (though it might be a bit lower now) ... but then again, I don't know how tall you are just by looking at the pictures.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

hilarykeller
2008-10-17 02:48 pm UTC (link)

Dearly, thank you.

I use, prefer, love, am faithful; to Canon. To be exact, Model: Canon EOS DIGITAL REBEL XT. An expensive little thing, but it records things brilliantly. I wish I could do it justice, there is a lot of perfection built into that camera, that I've yet to tap into. In time, with practice.

92 pounds for me, is normal, I'm shooting for 100 this year... like all the other years... because of my weight I am unable to train for becoming an EMT, or participate in vaccine research trials. Those are crucial dreams of mine, left unfulfilled, because of a lack of having a third digit on the scale. Frustrating, I wish I could prove I am strong enough for these things, but exact stats are more important in science. Ah well, my time will come if I keep pushing, I say.

Hey - hey! Congrats on hitting the big 3 digit! Fantastic! Hopefully I won't be too far behind you! Hehe, my height, if you think I look tall, let's go with that ;-) (I'm secretly short, shh)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	triplesix 2008-10-17 03:21 am UTC (link)
	The black and white of you in the field with you hair blowing behind you = HOLYSHITAMAZING... It's just beyond fantastic. Awesome photos/editing all around. ..and I love the day in the life of long hair haha. I've been in similar situations quite often. :D (Reply to this) (Thread)

hilarykeller
2008-10-17 02:53 pm UTC (link)

Haha! "Holyshitamazing" I like that... Haha, Thank you!!

Oh, I think your hair is a little longer than mine... don't you love when you are eating something and you swallow all the food, except you've accidentally swallowed your hair, which is still attached to your head...and your throat. Yeah, it's always fun pulling out long strands of hair from your throat after eating; especially in public >.<

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	c0ntemplat0r 2008-10-17 06:58 am UTC (link)
	These photograps made my day, Hilary! Very impressive and inspiring! Thank you! :) I plan to buy me first camera soon, so you inspire me to work hard on my future skills. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-17 02:55 pm UTC (link)
	I'm very pleased to read that - Excellent + Thank you ! What camera are you thinking of purchasing for your first? (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

c0ntemplat0r, 2008-10-18 12:06 pm UTC

	heartless_siren 2008-10-17 09:40 am UTC (link)
	You know I love you wife :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-17 02:56 pm UTC (link)
	Yes my evil HeartLess, wife wink (Reply to this) (Parent)

	barx 2008-10-17 11:18 am UTC (link)
	i love sutros. it's home away from home for me. i been runnin around there since i was a youngin :) (Reply to this) (Thread)

	hilarykeller 2008-10-17 02:59 pm UTC (link)
	Hey! How was the show? I'm so bummed I missed it -.- Did you guys have fun? What did VB play? Did Samael play any older stuff, anything off of Blood Ritual?? Sorry for the horde of questions, I hate missing shows. heart - break (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

(no subject) -

barx, 2008-10-19 04:41 am UTC

	theblissfuldead 2008-10-17 06:37 pm UTC (link)
	Beautiful imagery, darling. You look gorgeous. I love the pictures of you and Bryan. And congratulations on having good health this appointment! (Reply to this)

	bloodburden 2008-10-20 02:55 am UTC (link)
	I don't know if you've seen these pics of Angelina already but I simply had to share them with you. That & who can get enough of Angelina anyway? ;P http://community.livejournal.com/foto_decadent/1888151.html#cutid1 (Reply to this)

	silent_machine 2008-10-22 06:12 am UTC (link)
	Who cares what you weigh? If you think you look good then the number doesn't matter. Also I love those pictures of you and your boy =) On a totally unrelated note, I'm embarking on a school adventure soon. How do you manage to pay for school and you know...live? haha. (Reply to this)

troll_speak
2008-10-22 01:03 pm UTC (link)

Looking at these pictures, is it no wonder I have found you a source of inspiration?

Even the pictures not of you get the gears ticking over.

The funny thing is, I bought a mask like te one you are wearing in the pics, last week. Only thing is, it does not look as good on my fat head as yours does on you.

I have been working on a set of tales called Masquerade as I have always been fascinated with masks and the things they can hide beneath them. i am going to have to see if I can come up with one for you. (these are adult tales as well)

I shall be typing up the overviews of the tales you have inspired and sending them and the e-book soon. I got my broadband hooked up today and shall be looking at old posts and scouring your Deviantart gaellery to see what also jumps out at me and may give me more ideas.

Truly beautiful as always, good to see you are healthy and it is good to see how much you are in love dear Lady.

the troll

Lawrence

(Reply to this)

	uvirkelig 2008-10-22 09:59 pm UTC (link)
	The scenery, lightning and colors, subject and objects: all in all, beautifully captured. Both your sister and yourself clearly have an eye for photography, especially the emotive aspects of the picturing. !!! One pound at a time - you will get there. The most important thing is that you're healthy. : D (Reply to this)

mscrowqueen
2008-10-23 04:48 pm UTC (link)

I still can't help but be in total amazement on how well you photograph. The 6th one from the top looks like your in amazing moment of contentment. I get a lot of feeling from the photographs. The way you edit them is amazing too. As for your weight,I can see how it can be a pain because its easy to get sick when your weight is so low. at that point the way you look doesnt really matter as much as actual inner health, which im happy your not sick at all.

(Reply to this)

	queen_of_dolls 2008-11-05 04:59 pm UTC (link)
	i love u and ur pic!!! <333 (Reply to this)

	arcticanine 2009-06-25 02:32 pm UTC (link)
	you alway have such nice lightning in your pictures. also they're so calming to look at. (Reply to this)

(55 comments) - (Post a new comment)

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